Tip #11 – Performing with Food Object

If you are adamant about using food object in your camming show like fruit n veggies thing, I have a few notes from my own personal experience. Perhaps things I learned through filming a video series that was called something like “the porno chef”.

a)Wash them first
b)Don’t use a banana, that little brown end is murder and let’s not even contemplate using the stem end or unpeeling it. First, it’s squishy unpeeled and it won’t fit. Second, fructose=yeast infection.
c)A cucumber is really pleasant and cool but once you put lube on it, it’s nearly impossible to hold and I guarantee you that it will go squirting out of you at a very high velocity. This makes for a good blooper reel but uh, have a towel ready or something.
d)Don’t use a carrot for anal penetration, as Hayden mentioned, flared base or butt swallows it.
e)If someone, perhaps an enterprising producer, offers to pay you more if you stuff multiple lemons up one or the other hole they will get stuck. Don’t panic and worry that a very embarrassing trip to the emergency room will be needed to make sure your (imaginary) future baby won’t be born with a lemon on her head …*ahem* like I did.

It’s all about counter pressure. Wash your hands, insert as much of said hand as you can into the other hole, push toward the wall of the hole with lemons in it and pull your hand out while maintaining pressure on the internal wall and pushing with your internal muscles with all your might. I mean, don’t blow an o-ring or anything but keigel like your life depends on it. Do NOT do anything that will rupture the lemons. You thought that lemon juice on a cut was bad? It’s got nothing on lemon juice in your vag.

- IsobelWren